Washington Reporters Ask Hillary Clinton Questions About Thing People Totally Give A Shit About

At a press conference held at the United Nations headquarters in New York, reporters clamored to ask former Secretary of State and likely Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton about the enormous scandal that has engulfed political-reporter-land: why she used a personal email account for State Department matters.

Secretary Clinton told reporters that she did use her personal email account for official State Department business, but defended herself, saying that she provided all "emails that could possible be work-related" to the State Department once she was asked for them. With absolutely zero hints of sarcasm she added, "I know this is the issue Americans care about the most."
Considering the absolutely riveting subject, most onlookers
were confused as to why former Sec. of State Hillary Clinton
thought she needed to hold puppies to keep viewers' attention.

Reporters dug deeper, prodding Clinton with exhilarating questions about "servers" and keeping or deleting emails.

Clinton, who is likely to announce another run at the White House in April, responded with stuff about "convenience," "yoga routines," and "two phones."

This electrifying scandal has prompted irresistible headlines like, "Everything We Know About Hillary Clinton's Email," and "Hillary Clinton: I Opted to Use Personal Email for 'Convenience," among other very real articles like, "Was Hillary Doing Yoga During Benghazi?" and "Email and Hillary: Not Your Applebee's Server."

Some believe this Iran-Contra-level controversy will hurt Clinton's chances of winning a presidential election.

When asked, one average American voter told East Coast Progressive, "I usually base my vote on how many phones someone uses for email. Like, can you use two? Or are you only smart enough for one? I want a president who can use two."


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All posts are written by Will Wrigley -- a politics nerd, music-lover and a barely comprehensible writer.