A Normal Person's Response to Alex Jones, that Crazy Guy from Piers Morgan Tonight

Hey, Alex, conservative radio host and uber gun rights enthusiast.

It's rumored that Alex Jones frequently
hangs out with Crazy Town, the band that
produced the 2001 hit, "Butterfly".
I know things in crazy town have been hectic over the passed month.

Your appearance on Piers Morgan the other night made me think.

Let's use some common, normal person sense (something you apparently don't have much of) to take a look at some of the things you said. We will then discuss them.

First up:

Hitler took the guns, Stalin took the guns, Mao took the guns, Fidel Castro took the guns, Hugo Chavez took the guns, and I'm here to tell you, 1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms!

I'm trying to meet you half way here Alex. What on earth do you think is going to happen if civilians can't own guns? Well, I suppose you've answered that too. You think that the United States would become a tyrannical dictatorship.

This is Alex Jones. Not kidding.
Here's a hypothetical for Mr. Jones (and if you're wondering, no, Mr. Jones and I will not go stumbling through the barrio together and ogle beautiful women) - Let's say the US government has decided to become a tyrannical dictatorship. One day, everyone in the government gets together and says, "Hey, want to try tyranny?" and the collective answer of everyone in the government is, "Yeah, of course. Only one problem: people can own guns."

Plot foiled!

You've saved us all, Alex. Thanks for communicating to us the scary world we'd live in if people didn't own guns.

But seriously, do you think a few people with guns could stop the US Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marine Corps?

No. I didn't think so. We can probably expunge that idea. (I've been trying my hardest to fit the word "expunge" into this post somewhere. Mission accomplished.)

Okay, next up. In reference to the UK:

My God, you have a total police state. Everybody is fleeing the country because -- you've had to flee, bud. Yeah, you fled here.

OMG, he's totally right! This is true! I saw a documentary or something about the tyranny in the UK. I'm trying to remember it now. Hmmm...V for...V for Vendetta!

Oh wait, that movie was a work of fiction? It was based on a comic book series?

This is also Alex Jones.
Well, shucks. What on earth is Alex talking about then?

No one can really be sure of the answer to that question.

Even more of a head scratcher, the police in the UK don't even carry guns with the exception of those in Northern Ireland. It would be difficult to enforce a "police state" based on the concept of a lack of civilian gun ownership if the police don't have firearms. It's not like the police are hoarding all the guns, they don't have them either.

In one sense, you are right, Alex. I think Piers Morgan did flee the UK for America's shores, but he did not flee from anything gun-related. Instead he fled the UK seeking asylum from fleeting celebrity status and for a larger salary on American reality TV and now his own news show.

And last. On banks, world domination, drones, and the Swiss:

...the mega banks that control the planet and brag they have taken over -- in Bloomberg, AP, Reuters, you name it -- brag that they're going to get our guns as well. They've taken everybody's guns, but the Swiss and the American people and when they get our guns, they can have their world tyranny while the government buys 1.6 billion bullets, armored vehicles, tanks, helicopters, predator drones, armed now in U.S. skies, being used to arrest people in North Dakota.

I can only describe this rambling of random conspiracy theories in words of the great Gwen Stefani - "This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S."

This edible fruit, produced by several kinds of
large herbaceous flowering plants of the genus Musa
can also be used to describe what comes out of Alex
Jones' mouth.

I'm trying to fathom how Mr. Jones connected all of those things together in two sentences. 

Ahh, I figured it out! They all have one thing in common: lack of relevancy!

This relevancy-lackingness makes it difficult to know where to start discussing this last bit, but I'll try my best to combat randomness with randomness.

Since when are the Swiss the great defenders of freedom? No offense to Switzerland or Swiss people, but I don't recall ever hearing about the great Swiss stand against Hitler or Stalin. Switzerland has been neutral in, like, every war. It's an actual principle of Swiss foreign policy.

Banks are powerful entities. Really powerful. However, they definitely have not taken over the world and they are not going after your guns. Alex, you can rest assured that Bank of America will not bust down your front door tonight and steal your firearms.

Then there is this blurb about drones being used in North Dakota to arrest people. It's true. Seriously, he's right. But it's outlandish to think that the government is also purchasing billions of bullets, armored vehicles, tanks, etc. simply to arrest people in North Dakota, or the rest of the country for that matter.

We can take a closer look at that whole drone thing if you'd like, Alex.

Do you know how big North Dakota is? 

Common bison spotting in the ENORMOUS state of
North Dakota.

It's huge!

Look at this very real and totally not fake picture of people standing in front of a bison in North Dakota. Even the bison in North Dakota are gigantic!

The LA Times ran an article on drone use in North Dakota. The reason a sheriff needed drone help?

To find "six missing cows" that were stolen by armed men who had fled and could have been "anywhere on [a] 3,000-acre spread in eastern North Dakota."

Just let that sink in.

I'm about as worried about drones flying over my head
to assert a tyrannical dictatorship as I am about this image
coming to fruition with a real cow and a real laptop.

To find cow thieves. 

I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction, I don't want drones flying over my head as much as the next guy, but I'm not really worried about drones helping to arrest cow thieves in North Dakota. Clearly that sheriff had beef with those robbers and Jones is just milking the story for all its worth.

In summation - Alex Jones, you are crazy. Grade-A prime crazy (sorry I couldn't resist one last pun).

If you want to be taken seriously, perhaps you shouldn't udder another word (I lied about the pun thing). 

You are crazy enough to have started a petition to deport Piers Morgan for voicing his opinion. 

If you are what you eat,
Alex Jones probably eats a lot of these.

You are crazy enough for Glenn Beck to call you crazy

Glenn Beck. The same Glenn Beck that called President Obama racist towards white people. I repeat. He called our half-white president, our mixed-race president, our president whose mother, the woman that raised him since birth, is white, racist towards white people. 

If that same Glenn Beck decides that you are insane, you're probably nuts.

If you don't believe me, watch the interview for yourself.


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All posts are written by Will Wrigley -- a politics nerd, music-lover and a barely comprehensible writer.