Boehner Supports Using Taxpayer Money for Anti-Gay Court Battle, Yells at Kids to Get Off of Lawn

Speaker of the House John Boehner is starting to feel like an old man. The 63 year-old can probably feel senior citizenship creeping up on him.

In lieu of this, it appears that Mr. Boehner has decided to take up old mannery early.

In the words of The Washington Post's Greg Sargent, "House Republicans have decided to continue to spend taxpayer funds defending the Defense of Marriage Act in court."

Johnny Boehner looked broken and defeated - what with his own caucus voting down his "Plan B" fiscal legislation in the House, acquiescing fiscal cliff legislation to the Senate, and barely holding onto his Speakership.

An excerpt from David McCullough's
 biography of John Boehner.
Some may have been worried that Mr. Boehner would submit to irrelevancy. 

But fear-not!

The Speaker has come out swinging in cranky old-person-style against equality.

He drove slowly, very slowly, painfully slowly, on his way to Capitol Hill this morning. Holding a cup of decaf coffee in one hand and prune juice in the other, Boehner exited his car and argued with himself about having misplaced his Blackberry...again.

Before entering through the Capitol doors, Boehner yelled at some kids to "get off the lawn!" 

No one was sure what this meant.

Once inside the Capitol, Boehner made it clear he wanted the world to be like it was when he was a child - without gay marriage.
"Old-man Morton" howling
at children for no reason. 

The House has already spent over $1.5 million defending DOMA in court and the legislation has repeatedly been shot down by lower courts as unconstitutional.

Despite court rulings on the discriminatory charter, Boehner will use public money to support the law by attaching its defense to the new House of Representatives rules package for this legislative session.

Boehner is adhering to his elderly-in-training lessons. He has learned to be as stubborn as possible in the face of change from his antiquarian teacher, "old-man Morton."

Mr. Morton explained that Mr. Boehner's training is "nearly complete."


Post a Comment



All posts are written by Will Wrigley -- a politics nerd, music-lover and a barely comprehensible writer.