Senate Republicans To Pay For Unemployed Out Of Own Pockets

A Senate plan to kickstart unemployment benefits that failed Thursday as Senate Republicans blocked the measure and vowed instead to pay for all of the unemployed to buy "life stuff" themselves.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) announced Thursday that Senate Republicans have pooled together all of their change and have decided to pay for what the unemployment benefits would cover for every single unemployed American.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) will use
the money he typically uses to "make it rain" during his
time off to pay for unemployment benefits.

"We decided to take a walk in their shoes," McConnell said, "And it felt really bad. Did you know that without unemployment benefits or a steady paycheck you can't afford to buy new shoes? Like ever?"

Republican leaders did not want the government to have to pay for the benefits because it would be fiscally irresponsible, but, as libertarian stalwart Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Crzytwn.) noted, "We decided it was morally unacceptable to let these people go without any benefits at all. We are even considering paying government employees during another government shutdown. You know, if Obama lets that happen again."

Senator and presidential hopeful Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) said he was convinced to pay for the benefits after reading an article in a newspaper about the unemployed. 

"I was like, 'Whoa,' Rubio exclaimed. "I had never read an article about sad things before, and boy does it change you."

Senate Republicans have also announced tentative plans to cut spending on homeless shelters and instead, buy every homeless person a house.