Coca-Cola Admits It Is Attempting to Destroy America In Latest Super Bowl Ad

Coca-Cola, the largest beverage company in the world, inadvertently admitted its plans to destroy America, capitalism, and the English language during a Super Bowl commercial Sunday evening.

The plan was thinly veiled as a commercial portraying people of all backgrounds drinking Coca-Cola as the song "America the Beautiful" plays. Coke may have gotten away with it, but geniuses across the internet noticed that the patriotic song was not sung entirely in English.

In response to Coke's blatant use of languages other than English, former Congressman and definitely-not-a-conspiracy-theorist Allen West (R-Fla.) took to his blog to explain that Coke is attempting to create a "Balkanized America."

Online commenters have also been able to further disseminate Coca-Cola's plans, describing the Coke-takeover as an attempt to spread Marxism. In a call placed to Coca-Cola, a woman who picked up the phone responded to the question, "Are you a fan of Lenin?" with, "Yes," adding the unrelated note, "I'm a huge Beatles fan."
Joseph Stalin speaks to his Foreign Minister at
the Yalta Conference during World War II while
holding a Coke. This is believed to be when Coke's
plan to destroy America was first conceived.

But by-and-large, most people took offense to Coke's plans to rid the country of the English language, many people voicing their complaints via Twitter.

@Nepherz, a noted historian, derided the company in exclaiming that they were "disgusted by this commercial. Disgrace to our national anthem."

Janice Rounsaville (@janicehr55) tweeted "I am truly disappointed in @Coca Cola for the offensive#SpeakAmerican commercial last night. Speak English!"

Fervent American, beer connoisseur, and grammar buff @BudLightBro tweeted "Not a fan of the CocaCola commercial. America The Beautiful should not be sang in any other language other than English." Bro also added, "Sorry not sorry."

For those of you who wish to see the America-destroying ad, be warned, it is designed to make you feel patriotic, emotional, and all fuzzy inside.


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All posts are written by Will Wrigley -- a politics nerd, music-lover and a barely comprehensible writer.