Tips for this Year's Tax Negotiating Season

Take a deep breathe.

Ahhhhhhh. There it is.

There's something genuinely special around this time every year and you can smell it in the air. The lights are a-glowing. People are a-singing. Politicians are a-tax negotiating.

The seasonal Tax Season tree meant
 to represent  American wealth distribution.
There's an awful lot of tree on the top!

Tax negotiating season is easily my favorite. I think you'd all agree.

Songs like "Tax Plans Roasting on an Open Fire" help to ignite my seasonal spirit. Other tunes like, "Over the River and Through the Tax Loophole" help kick off my favorite season of the year.

It seems this year our favorite politicians are having difficulty negotiating away from the "fiscal cliff."

But have no fear!

I've put together a list of recommendations for President Obama, Speaker Boehner, and whoever else will be at the annual tax negotiation table to help move them along in a friendly and fun manner.

1. Hot cocoa, 25 Days of Christmas, and a snugly, warm blanket.

Negotiating can be stressful, so why not partake in a little Christmas fun? ABC Family plays Christmas-related movies (sort of, Harry Potter anyone?) all December long until the 25th. Why not get the negotiators together, pour some hot chocolate, snuggle up in a warm blanket on a comfy chair, and discuss the fiscal cliff in front of the old boob tube?

Nothing warms my heart my heart more and I can only assume the same can be said for hearty politicians.

2. Trivia Night Negotiations

There are tons of bars in DC that host trivia night and you can find one practically any day of the week. What could be more fun that getting together as "Team Negotiators," splashing back a few beers, winning a few rounds of holiday trivia, and talking about the give-and-take of fiscal cliff negotiations?

I bet Boehner knows who starred in "Home Alone." And just like the rest of us, Johnny Boehner probably has no idea what happened to him either.

3. Stuffed Animal Secret Santa

So you stick a bunch of politicians in a room, but beforehand, you tell them they need to buy a stuffed animal for a Secret Santa exchange with the other politicians. Every man or woman would be overcome with joy upon unwrapping their gift and negotiations will take off from there in high spirits.

Elephants and donkeys should
not be part of the stuffed animal
secret Santa.

There are some ground rules for this idea:

First and foremost, dead animals that have been stuffed are not permitted. At no time should any of the people involved in the exchange need to go to a taxidermist.

Second, no plush elephants or donkeys. We are promoting cohesion via stuffed animals, not division.

4. Caroling and Negotiating Party

Nothing puts me in the negotiating spirit quite like belting out some holiday hits. Why shouldn't this be standard piece of political arguments and exchanges?

Singing "Deck the Halls" together will add some cheer to the tax negotiation season and compromise and agreement will come along with the eggnog.

5. Half an Hour on Cute Roulette, Half an Hour Negotiating

Does this look like the
face of fiscal cliff negotiations?
It could be.

Cute Roulette is an adorable website that plays videos of cute animals on YouTube one after the other. It's not exactly holiday related, but we see a lot of cute things during the holidays, so this must fit in somewhere. So let's say all fiscal cliff negotiators sit down together and watch 30 minutes of Cute Roulette and then negotiate for 30 minutes and then watch Cute Roulette for 30 minutes, so on and so forth. They could even toss in a half hour of Attack of the Cute if they want, it's the same idea.

You get it.

How could tempers flare or tensions bowl over with all that love going on?

The answer is simple - they couldn't.

6. Hang Out With the Guys Celebrating in Seattle, then Negotiate

Something that was once illegal became legal in Washington state just about a week ago. When the clock struck midnight on December 6, a bunch of people hung out around the Space Needle in downtown Seattle to celebrate that said substance is now legal under state law. Now I am by no means recommending this to everyone, but if the negotiators hung out with those guys underneath the Space Needle for an hour or so and then take to the negotiating table, the situation may be a little less tense and perhaps a lot different than we all assume it will be.

Of course, it's also possible that our fearless negotiators might become a little less productive.

7. What to Avoid While Negotiating

If there are places to go and things that should be done to make the things run more smoothly this tax negotiating season, then certainly there are also places and things to avoid.

For starters, caffeine and caffeinated places should be avoided. This means no Starbucks, no coffee shop or tea house, and nowhere near a soda machine. Caffeine raises blood pressure and tension, nobody wants that!

Name calling is not nice and should be avoided.

Do not mention anything about Channing Tatum or Ryan Gosling. That whole People Magazine thing is definitely a divisive issue. Do not, under any circumstances, bring that up.

That pretty much sums it up and now you have it, a few ways to spice up this holiday tax negotiating season.

I hope everyone is listening, these plans are foolproof.