Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell Casts Magic Spell, Economy Improves

With the simple flick of a magic wand Friday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) put the U.S. economy back on track, adding 252,000 jobs and lowering the unemployment rate to 5.6 percent.

"Huzzah!" the Senate Majority Leader proclaimed, whimsically flicking his wrist as sparks were sent flying from his wand. In an instant, money was placed in the pockets of those 252,000 people who started to work in December.

"It's not, like, a big deal or anything," McConnell told reporters, sporting his new "Senate Majority Gear" - a long black cloak, long silvery hair, a snake-headed staff, and, of course, his wand. "I told you the Republican congress was the reason the economy was improving."

Senator Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) seen
talking to reporters after using magic to put economy back
on track.
On Wednesday, McConnell claimed in a press release that it was due to the incoming Republican-controlled congress that the economy was improving steadily.

"After so many years of sluggish growth,"McConnell (R-Ky.) wrote, "we're finally starting to see some economic data that can provide a glimmer of hope. The uptick appears to coincide with the biggest political change of the Obama Administration’s long tenure in Washington: the expectation of a new Republican Congress."

Many mocked McConnell's claim as absurd. But McConnell says he simply forgot to include how, exactly, the not-yet-in-congress Republican congress improved the economy.

"Magic," McConnell stated. "Yeah, I forgot to add that Republicans, when they have a majority, can actually use magic to go back in time and change the economy for the better."

Asked why Republicans didn't just retroactively give jobs to all the unemployed, McConnell slyly grinned and said, "We're Republicans. Let's start with the rich first."


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All posts are written by Will Wrigley -- a politics nerd, music-lover and a barely comprehensible writer.