Inside the Minds of the GOP

It's been 40 days since election 2012.

The GOP has had a lot of time to reflect on a rough election loss. They've done that here and here and here and around a hundred other places.

What they've decided has varied considerably.

Conservative columnist Charles Krauthammer has decided that it's not so bad for Republicans for reasons that only he can conceive. In fact, he actually said that, "The Republicans are in control of the House, probably a little bit stronger."

Right.

Mr. Krauthammer could use some help from his buddy Ben Stein
 and some over-the-counter eye medication.

Considering that Democrats picked up 8 seats in the House, I'm not sure that Chuck is seeing clearly. Perhaps he needs to get his eyes checked.

Other Republicans reflected on the results and noticed some unsettling aspects of their party. Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal decided that his party was too protective of the rich.

Yet still, House Speaker John Boehner and former VP candidate Paul Ryan decided that the president does not have a mandate because the GOP still won more seats in the House than Democrats, despite Democrats winning more votes.

This is what I imagine it is like to get inside the heads of a few members of the GOP a month after their party lost the presidential election.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder

Good thing I don't need to worry about that silly election this year, I was elected in 2010. I should probably ignore the signs of a progressive majority of Michiganians who reelected President Obama by nearly 10 percent and Democratic Senator Debbie Stabenow by 20 percent.

It is clear, in one of the most unionized states in the country, home to the powerful United Autoworkers and an auto industry saved by the Obama Administration, what I should do next.

I need to pass conservative, anti-union legislation.

Governor Snyder's daily thinking medication.

This will make my constituents happy. They do not like the auto industry or unions.


Maybe I shouldn't be thinking like this, I did just take quite a bit of NyQuil to help out with this cold I've been trying to shake.

Nah, I'm making sense.

Now, there is my sandwich, I should probably finish this late night snack.

Uggh, President Obama is on TV again, I really don't understand why he's wearing yellow today.

(Grabs his shoe, proceeds to gnaw at it. An episode of Spongebob Squarepants is playing on television.)

House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner

"Uggh, you just don't get it."

(Wearing big headphones and a wool beanie.)

It's been a tough month and a half, but I'm excited to start talks on the fiscal cliff. If I came away with anything this past election it is this - the American people like Republican ideas.

There is a different kind of hip these days, I get it, I, myself, am hip. The American people reelected Obama ironically. It's just a hipster culture that I'm adapting too. You just don't understand.

It's obvious to me that the people want to keep taxes low on the rich. Duh. You just don't understand anything.

You have to look deeper. Maybe my ideas aren't "mainstream" but you're just not hip with the underground political culture.

It's hard to explain.

Anyway, did you catch the last episode of "Portlandia"?

Soon-to-be-former Senator Jim DeMint

OMG. Life is just so hard!

I'm, like, literally so upset that Obama won. He thinks he is so cool because he was reelected.

But he's like, not.

In conclusion, I'm, leaving the Senate.

An incredulous Sen. DeMint yells at his GOP colleagues,
"How could you forget? We wear blue ties on Wednesdays!"

I don't want to work with Barack.

I don't like that he won, so in protest, I'm going to become less relevant.

I think that, like, makes sense.

I just don't get why people don't like us anymore.

When I was elected, I was so cool.

But now, it's so, like, difficult.

Plus, this guy McConnell is so lame.

He keeps trying to make "fetch" happen.